Use this when you are unsure whether you are choosing to help or automatically putting someone else first.
Before you answer
Ask yourself:
- Do I actually want to do this?
- Am I afraid of disappointing someone if I say no?
- Am I worried they will be angry, hurt, critical, or think badly of me?
- What will saying yes cost me in time, energy, money, sleep, work, recovery, or other responsibilities?
- Do I have the capacity for this right now?
- Am I agreeing before I have had time to think?
- Am I doing something I am uncomfortable with just to avoid tension?
- Is this relationship generally reciprocal, or am I consistently giving much more than I receive?
- Am I already feeling resentment, dread, pressure, or guilt?
A useful question
Am I doing this because I want to, or because I am afraid of what might happen if I do not?
Fear does not automatically mean you should say no. Wanting to help does not automatically mean you should say yes. The point is to notice what is influencing the decision so you can make it more intentionally.
If you are not sure yet
You do not have to answer immediately.
Try:
- “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”
- “I need some time to think about that.”
- “I’m not sure yet. I’ll let you know.”
Giving yourself more time can make it easier to notice what you actually want and what you can realistically manage.