Boundaries are the unseen lines that help us decide what we are okay with and how we expect others to treat us.

Boundaries can involve things like:

• personal space
• feelings
• energy
• thoughts and opinions
• time
• belongings and money
• bodies
• digital lives

Boundaries can help protect our physical and emotional well-being, energy, autonomy, relationships, and capacity.

Types of Boundaries

Physical boundaries — personal space, touch, and physical comfort.

Emotional boundaries — your feelings and how much emotional responsibility you take on for others.

Energetic boundaries — how much energy you give to people, situations, and environments.

Mental boundaries — your thoughts, beliefs, values, and opinions.

Material boundaries — your belongings and money.

Time boundaries — how you use and protect your time.

Body boundaries — consent, touch, intimacy, and what feels comfortable for your body.

Digital boundaries — your availability online, privacy, notifications, and response times.

Why Can Boundaries Be Hard?

Many neurodivergent women have spent years being taught to adjust themselves to other people.

You may have learned to:

• ignore your discomfort
• push through exhaustion
• avoid disappointing people
• mask what you need
• prioritize other people's feelings
• question whether your needs are reasonable

It can be difficult to set boundaries when you have spent a long time learning not to trust yourself and your own limits.

Boundaries, Power, and Context

It is important to know that not everyone has the same freedom to set boundaries.

Power, privilege, culture, family dynamics, relationships, work environments, and safety can all affect what happens when someone sets a boundary.

A boundary at work may need to look different from a boundary with a friend. A boundary with someone you trust may look different from a boundary with someone who has not respected your limits.

Context matters.

Two Kinds of Boundaries

There are two broad kinds of boundaries in this workbook.

Internal Boundaries

Limits you set with yourself.

External Boundaries

Limits involving other people, relationships, situations, or environments.

Both can be helpful to understand and practice.

Internal Boundaries

Internal boundaries often involve how you use your:

• time
• energy
• attention
• money
• technology
• work time
• rest time

Internal boundaries are often closely connected to self-care.

Examples of Internal Boundaries

An internal boundary might be:

• stopping work at a certain time
• going to bed earlier
• taking a lunch break
• limiting social media
• making time for a special interest
• protecting downtime
• spending within a budget
• giving yourself recovery time after something demanding
• saying, “I am not doing another thing tonight”

Internal Boundaries Can Be Hard With ADHD

You can know exactly what you want to do and still have difficulty doing it.

ADHD can affect things such as:

• remembering
• noticing time
• stopping an activity
• starting another activity
• shifting attention
• managing impulses
• estimating your capacity
• following through when motivation changes

This means that trying harder is not always the answer.

What Often Doesn't Work

Many women have already tried:

Willpower — “I just need to make myself do it.”

Motivation — “I'll do it when I feel motivated.”

Shame — “Why can't I just get myself together?”

Self-criticism — “I should be better at this.”

Unrealistic expectations — “This time I am going to completely change everything.”

These approaches can leave you feeling discouraged without giving your brain the support it actually needs.

Reflection

Think about an internal boundary that has been difficult for you.

What have you tried before?

• more discipline?
• more motivation?
• stricter rules?
• criticizing yourself?
• setting a very big goal?

What happened?

What Can Help?

Internal boundaries often work better when we build support around them.

Try:

• making the boundary realistic
• writing things down
• using reminders
• changing your environment
• connecting the boundary to something you value
• allowing flexibility
• practicing self-compassion
• adjusting the plan when it isn't working

You are looking for strategies that work with your brain, not proof that you can force yourself to do something.

Know What Your Boundary Is Protecting

A boundary can be easier to hold when you know what it is protecting.

Instead of:

• “I should stop working earlier.”
• “I shouldn't keep saying yes to things.”

Try:

• “I need some time after work when nobody needs anything from me.”
• “If I add one more thing this week, I won't have enough energy for what is already on my plate.”

Your boundary may be protecting your sleep, energy, time, health, relationships, privacy, or ability to recover.

When you understand what you are trying to protect, the boundary often makes more sense.

Externalize It

ADHD can make it hard to remember a decision at the exact moment you need it.

Put the boundary somewhere outside your brain.

You might use:

• a note
• an alarm
• a calendar reminder
• a visual cue
• an object placed somewhere you will see it
• a written reminder of what you already decided

Trying to rely on memory alone may be unhelpful for you.

Make the Easy Hard and the Hard Easy

Sometimes you can support a boundary by changing the environment around it.

Make the thing you want less of a little harder.

If you want to spend less time scrolling at night:

• move your phone away from the bed
• turn off notifications
• log out of the app
• charge your phone somewhere else

Make the thing you want more of a little easier.

If you want more time to wind down before bed:

• put what you need by the bed
• dim the lights earlier
• set a reminder to start winding down
• have a book or another activity you enjoy ready

You are changing the amount of friction around each choice so the boundary is easier to follow when the moment comes.

Try an Internal Boundary

• What boundary might I work on with myself?
• What is this boundary protecting?
• What usually makes this boundary hard to follow?
• What could I make easier?
• What could I make harder?
• What could help me remember the boundary when I need it?
• What is one small change I could try?

External Boundaries

External boundaries are limits you set in your relationships and interactions with other people.

They help you decide:

• what you will participate in
• what you will take responsibility for
• how available you will be
• how you expect to be treated
• what you are willing to give
• what you are willing to discuss or share
• when you need to step away

How Do You Know You May Need a Boundary?

Sometimes you notice your reaction before you fully understand what is wrong.

You may notice:

• stress
• overwhelm
• resentment
• anger or frustration
• emotional exhaustion
• fatigue
• dread
• tension or discomfort
• wanting to avoid, leave, or shut down

These reactions do not automatically mean that a boundary has been crossed or tell you exactly what boundary you need. They are a reason to pay attention.

Use Your Reactions as Information

You might ask:

• What keeps happening here?
• What am I feeling pressured to do?
• Am I taking responsibility for something that is not mine?
• Am I giving more time, energy, or attention than I have?
• What happens in my body when this comes up?
• Is there something I keep agreeing to and regretting later?
• What would I like to be different?
• What might I need more of, less of, or protection from?

External Boundaries Are Not Just Things You Say

Sometimes a boundary is something you communicate to another person. Sometimes it is simply something you decide to do.

You might:

• leave a crowded room
• decline an invitation
• stop answering work messages at night
• end or pause a conversation
• decide not to lend money
• take more time before responding
• reduce contact with someone
• protect time for yourself
• step away from an argument
• stop taking on additional work

A boundary does not always need a long explanation. Sometimes the boundary is the action you take.

Setting External Boundaries Can Look Like...

Physical

Leaving a space where you feel uncomfortable, overstimulated, or overwhelmed.

Emotional

Stepping back from a conversation when you do not have the capacity for it.

Time & Availability

Declining a commitment, limiting how long you stay, or deciding when you are available.

Material & Financial

Deciding what you are willing to lend, give, spend, or share.

Work

Not taking on additional responsibilities when you are already at capacity.

Communication

Pausing or ending a conversation that has become unproductive, overwhelming, or disrespectful.

Digital

Deciding when you will respond to messages, turning off notifications, or limiting who has access to you online.

Examples Across Relationships

Boundaries at Work

Work boundaries might include:

• protecting uninterrupted work time
• limiting unnecessary interruptions
• declining additional work when you are at capacity
• setting limits around after-hours communication
• using calendar blocks or automatic responses
• taking breaks when you need them

“I can't take that on right now. Can we look at it again next week?”

Boundaries With Family

Family relationships can involve expectations around time, availability, emotional labor, or helping.

Possible boundaries:

“I want to listen, but I don't have it in me for this conversation right now.”

“Let me check what I have going on before I say yes.”

“I'm going to head home a little earlier tonight.”

You do not have to answer every request immediately.

Boundaries With Friends

Friendship boundaries might involve:

• how quickly you respond
• how much emotional support you can give
• how often you make plans
• whether you have capacity for a difficult conversation

“I care about what's going on. I don't have the attention for a big conversation tonight. Can we talk tomorrow?”

Boundaries in Romantic Relationships

Boundaries can help protect both connection and individual needs.

You may need:

• alone time
• predictable routines
• emotional space
• time for your own interests
• time to process before talking
• limits around conflict

“I'm getting overloaded. I need some time before we keep talking about this.”

“I want to keep talking about this, but I need a break first.”

Digital Boundaries

Digital access can create the expectation that we should always be available.

You may decide:

• when you check messages
• when you respond
• whether notifications stay on
• when devices are put away
• when you use social media
• whether work communication reaches you after hours

“I usually don't answer messages after 8.”

“I turn work notifications off when I'm done for the day.”

“I'm not comfortable sharing my location.”

Being reachable does not mean you must always be available.

Energetic Boundaries

Some neurodivergent women are very aware of other people's moods, emotions, and reactions.

You may notice yourself:

• monitoring someone's mood
• becoming drained after certain interactions
• feeling responsible for helping someone feel better
• losing track of your own feelings while attending to theirs

A boundary may involve creating physical or emotional distance.

You might:

• take a break
• leave the room
• change the subject
• spend less time in a draining interaction
• check back in with yourself

Ask:

• What am I feeling?
• What do I need?
• What belongs to me, and what belongs to the other person?

Reflection: External Boundaries

Think about a situation or relationship where you regularly feel drained, resentful, pressured, uncomfortable, or overwhelmed.

• What keeps happening?
• What do you notice in yourself when it happens?
• What would you like to be different?
• What might you need more of, less of, or protection from?
• What boundary might help?
• Would this boundary need to be communicated, acted on, or both?
• What could you say or do?

Needs and Boundaries

Sometimes you can tell that something is not working before you can identify exactly what you are feeling.

Knowing what you need can give you another way to figure out where a boundary may be needed.

Instead of starting only with:

“What am I feeling?”

You can also ask:

“What do I need?”

You do not have to know exactly what you are feeling before you can notice that you need more rest, space, support, time, clarity, or choice.

Masking Can Make Your Needs Harder to Notice

When you have spent years adapting to other people, you may become very good at noticing what everyone else needs while paying less attention to your own.

You may automatically ask:

What does everyone else need from me?

Try adding:

What do I need here?

Masking is not the only reason this can be difficult. Stress, alexithymia, interoceptive differences, and years of pushing past your own limits can also make needs harder to identify.

You do not have to act on every need immediately. Start by noticing it.

Some Basic Human Needs

This is a short list to help you get started. The workbook includes a more detailed needs list in the appendix.

Physical Well-Being

Food, water, sleep, movement, rest, shelter, physical comfort.

Safety

Security, protection, predictability, stability, support.

Connection

Belonging, friendship, affection, intimacy, understanding, community.

Autonomy

Choice, independence, privacy, freedom, self-direction.

Authenticity

Being able to be yourself, speak honestly, and live in ways that fit your values.

Meaning

Purpose, creativity, growth, contribution.

Peace

Calm, space, quiet, recovery, fewer demands.

Joy

Fun, laughter, play, pleasure, celebration.

Understanding Your Needs

Sometimes it is easier to recognize a need when you see words for it.

You do not need to find the “perfect” one. Read through the list and notice what stands out.

Several needs may be present at the same time.

You might also notice that two needs seem to compete with each other. You may need connection and time alone, support and independence, or predictability and flexibility.

That does not mean you are doing anything wrong. It gives you more information about what may need to be considered when you set the boundary.

What Do You Need?

Look through the list. Do not overthink it. Which words stand out to you?

You might say:

• I need rest.
• I need to be heard.
• I need more choice.
• I need clarity.
• I need more connection.
• I need space.
• I need fairness.
• I need stability.
• I need more joy.

Sometimes simply naming the need helps you understand why something has been bothering you.

Practice Identifying a Need

Think about a recent situation that felt difficult, frustrating, draining, or uncomfortable.

• What happened?
• What did you notice in yourself?
• What did you need in that situation? Look through the needs list if that helps.
• Does this tell you something about a boundary you may need?

Sometimes the Answer Is Simple

You do not need sophisticated language to identify a need.

It might be:

• I need rest.
• I need space.
• I need more time.
• I need to be heard.
• I need clarity.
• I need support.
• I need quiet.
• I need choice.
• I need connection.
• I need more fun.

Try saying the need phrases plainly to yourself.

These statements are first for you. They can help you understand what is happening before you decide whether anything needs to change or be communicated.

From Need to Boundary

A need and a boundary are not the same thing.

The need tells you something about what would help you. The boundary is one way you might respond.

Need: I need rest.

Possible boundary: I am keeping Sunday morning free.

Need: I need predictability.

Possible boundary: I am not committing to plans without enough notice to check my schedule and capacity.

Need: I need quiet to focus.

Possible boundary: I am turning off notifications while I work.

Need: I need more time to think.

Possible boundary: I am not answering important requests immediately.

Does the Boundary Need to Be Communicated?

Not every boundary requires a conversation.

Sometimes you:

• make a request
• say no
• explain your limit
• leave
• stop responding
• change your availability
• decline something
• make a different choice

Ask yourself:

Does this person need information from me, or do I simply need to change what I do?

Communicating a Boundary

Boundary language does not need to be complicated.

Try:

• “I need…”
• “I'm not able to…”
• “I can do , but I can't do .”
• “I need some time before I answer.”
• “I'm going to step away from this conversation.”
• “I won't be available after ___.”
• “Let me think about it and get back to you.”

A Boundary Can Include a Request

Sometimes you want to ask another person to do something differently.

“I'd appreciate it if you could give me more notice before making plans.”

“Can we talk about this tomorrow instead?”

“Please text before coming over.”

A request asks another person to cooperate.

A boundary is the part you control: what you will do, what you will participate in, or how you will respond.

Collaborative Boundaries

When the relationship feels safe and collaborative, you may want to talk together about what would work.

“I need uninterrupted time while I'm working. Can we figure out a way to reduce interruptions?”

“I'd appreciate more notice before family events. It helps me plan my energy.”

“I'm not comfortable lending money right now. I'd like to help another way if I can.”

Firmer Boundaries

Some situations call for less discussion and clearer follow-through.

“If the conversation becomes insulting, I'm going to end it.”

“I don't respond to work emails after 6 PM.”

“When I need time alone, I may let calls go to voicemail and respond when I'm ready.”

“I'm not discussing that topic.”

You do not need another person's agreement in order to decide what you will do.

Putting It Together

Think about one situation in your life right now.

• Situation: What is happening?
• Need: What do I need?
• Boundary: What limit would help?
• Communication: Does anything need to be communicated?
• Action: What will I do?

One Boundary to Practice

You do not need to change every boundary at once. Choose one to practice.

• The boundary I want to practice:
• What is this boundary protecting?
• What may make it difficult to follow?
• What support could make it easier?
• When this feels uncomfortable, what do I want to remind myself?

Appendix: Expanded Needs List

Connection and Relationships

• Affection
• Appreciation
• Acceptance
• Belonging
• Communication
• Companionship
• Compassion
• Cooperation
• Empathy
• Encouragement
• Friendship
• Intimacy
• Kindness
• Love
• Mutual recognition
• Nurturing
• Support
• Trust
• Understanding
• Validation
• Warmth
• Community
• Inclusion

Being Seen and Respected

• To matter
• To be seen
• To be heard
• To be understood
• Recognition
• Respect
• Dignity
• Equality
• Fairness
• Justice

Autonomy and Choice

• Autonomy
• Independence
• Choice
• Freedom
• Space

Safety and Stability

• Safety
• Security
• Stability
• Consistency
• Clarity
• Comfort
• Order
• Predictability

Honesty and Authenticity

• Honesty
• Integrity
• Authenticity
• Courage

Growth and Meaning

• Growth
• Skill development
• Challenge
• Meaning
• Purpose
• Knowledge
• Learning
• Inspiration
• Contribution
• Effectiveness
• Efficiency
• Progress
• To be of service

Creativity and Exploration

• Creativity
• Discovery
• Adventure
• Dreaming

Joy and Play

• Joy
• Fun
• Play
• Laughter
• Celebrating
• Beauty

Peace and Emotional Well-Being

• Peace
• Harmony
• Balance
• Relaxation
• Mourning

Physical Well-Being

• Health
• Nutrition
• Rest
• Exercise
• Movement
• Touch
• Cleanliness

Other Important Needs

• Spirituality
• Diversity

Medical Disclaimer

This workbook is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not medical, psychological, or mental health advice and is not a substitute for diagnosis, treatment, or care from a qualified professional.

If you have concerns about your mental or physical health, please consult an appropriate healthcare professional.

© 2026 Flourishing Women LLC. All rights reserved.

Created by Kristen McClure, MSW, LCSW — Flourishing Women LLC.