Use these questions to notice patterns in a relationship and decide what needs attention. Choose a recent example rather than judging the entire relationship from one difficult interaction.
This is an unscored reflection tool. It cannot tell you whether to stay or leave, diagnose a partner, or predict the future of a relationship.
Start With Your Lived Experience
Do I usually feel respected and able to express a preference? Can I ask for support, disagree, or say no? What happens when I do?
Notice patterns over time, including what happens after a problem is discussed. Your partner's account can add information without automatically replacing yours.
Shared Responsibility and Money
- How are earning, spending, unpaid work, and planning shared?
- Does the arrangement account for income, disability, health, and available capacity?
- Are loans, repayments, bills, and access to money discussed clearly?
- Can I understand and question financial decisions that affect me?
- Do agreements change only with discussion, or am I expected to absorb the consequences?
Fairness does not always mean identical contributions. It does involve attention to both people's needs and whether the arrangement is freely agreed.
Disagreement and Repair
- Can we discuss a specific behaviour without insults or attacks on character?
- When one of us describes an impact, is there room to listen?
- Can each person acknowledge their part and make a realistic change?
- Does an apology lead to different behaviour?
- Is compromise expected from both people?
- When a conversation pauses, is there a workable way to return?
A requested break because someone is overloaded is different from repeatedly using silence to punish or control. Look at the surrounding pattern and whether returning to the conversation is possible.
ADHD Support
- Are forgetfulness, time difficulties, or processing needs discussed accurately?
- Do reminders and shared systems help the responsible person manage the task?
- Has one partner become responsible for noticing, assigning, checking, and repairing everything?
- Are support needs respected on both sides?
- Is ADHD being used to dismiss an impact, or to discredit someone's feelings?
An explanation of a difficulty can inform support and repair. It does not settle whether an arrangement is fair.
Choice and Safety
Do I feel afraid of retaliation if I disagree, seek help, use money, or make decisions about my body and time?
Threats, coercion, monitoring, or control need attention beyond communication techniques. If discussing these questions with your partner could put you at risk, consider individual support from a trusted person or a specialist service first. You do not have to complete this reflection together.
Choose One Next Step
You might clarify one agreement, ask for a specific support, record a recurring concern privately, seek individual advice, or make time to consider your options.
What have I noticed? What do I need? What next step is available and safe for me?
Related Pages
ADHD and Marriage: Talking About Fear, Trust, and Shared Responsibilities