Friendships can be important and still take more planning, remembering, communication, and recovery than people realize.
This worksheet helps you figure out what is actually making a friendship difficult and what might make connection easier. It is not a test of whether you are a good friend.
A friendship problem is not automatically a social-skills problem. Sometimes the friction is executive functioning, capacity, communication mismatch, past rejection, unclear expectations, or the relationship itself.
1. Which Friendship Am I Thinking About?
Person or relationship:
What do I value about this friendship?
What has been feeling difficult lately?
2. Where Is the Friction?
Check anything that fits.
The biggest source of friction right now is:
3. Is This an ADHD Logistics Problem, a Capacity Problem, or a Relationship Problem?
Sometimes more than one is true.
ADHD logistics may be involved when:
- the friendship matters but messages, dates, planning, time, transitions, or follow-through keep getting lost
- a practical support would probably make the task easier
Capacity may be involved when:
- you want connection but are already overloaded
- social time requires sensory, emotional, or cognitive effort you do not currently have
- the plan itself is manageable, but preparation and recovery are not
Communication fit may be involved when:
- one person prefers frequent texting and the other does not
- one person processes quickly and the other needs time
- indirect expectations keep creating misunderstandings
- you communicate more easily in another format
Social or environmental barriers may be involved when:
- the setting is so noisy, crowded, fast-moving, or socially demanding that it is hard to participate
- people expect one communication style and treat difference as rudeness, immaturity, or lack of caring
- expectations are mostly unspoken and you are expected to infer them
- the friendship requires a level or frequency of contact that is hard to sustain, but alternatives have never been discussed
- you are doing most of the adapting, masking, apologizing, or monitoring
- a practical accommodation or clearer agreement would remove part of the difficulty
A barrier does not mean nobody has responsibility. It means the problem may be partly in the fit between the person, the relationship, and the environment, rather than entirely inside you.
Rejection history or anxiety may be involved when:
- you expect criticism before it happens
- you replay interactions or avoid reconnecting because you are embarrassed
- you mask, over-apologize, over-explain, or agree because belonging feels fragile
The relationship itself may be involved when:
- your limits are repeatedly ignored
- mistakes become character judgments
- conflict includes insults, pressure, manipulation, or punishment
- you are expected to make all of the adjustments
Which of these best fits this friendship?
4. What Kind of Friendship Works Better for Me?
I tend to connect more easily through:
The conditions that help me feel most relaxed and connected are:
5. Check the Whole Cost Before Saying Yes
A plan is more than the time on the calendar.
Think about:
- getting ready
- travel
- transitions
- sensory load
- conversation load
- other obligations that day
- recovery afterward
Do I have the capacity for the whole plan?
Would a shorter, simpler, quieter, or different plan work better?
A possible response:
āI want to see you. I cannot manage dinner this week, but I could take a short walk Sunday.ā
6. If I Want to Reconnect
A delayed reply does not have to become a long explanation.
Try:
āI saw this when I could not answer, and then I lost track of it. How did it go?ā
If the delay affected someone, you can acknowledge that too:
āIām sorry I left you waiting for an answer. I know that made planning harder.ā
A reconnection message that sounds like me:
7. If There Was Conflict
Ask:
What actually happened?
What part is mine?
Is there something I need to clarify or repair?
Am I taking responsibility for more than my part?
Was I treated respectfully during the conflict?
Do we need a conversation, a boundary, more time, or no further response?
8. Is This Friendship Reciprocal Enough?
Friendships do not have to be perfectly equal at every moment. Over time, though, there should be room for both people.
Ask:
- Can I say no without being punished?
- Can my friend tell me when something hurt without attacking my character?
- Can I do the same?
- Do we both initiate or contribute in ways that fit us?
- Are accommodations and adjustments shared rather than expected from only one person?
- Can we have different needs without one person automatically being wrong?
- Do I feel more like myself around this person, or more monitored?
What feels mutual here?
What feels one-sided?
How do I usually feel before and after time together?
Do not use one difficult day as a verdict. Look for a pattern.
Before contact, do I usually:
During or afterward, do I often feel:
What pattern do I notice?
What might be creating that pattern?
Check before deciding the friendship itself is the problem.
Would changing the format help, or is the relationship itself asking for a boundary or bigger decision?
9. One Small Change
You do not need to redesign your entire social life.
One practical support I could try:
One expectation I could clarify:
One plan I could make easier:
One boundary I may need:
One person I would like to reconnect with:
Try asking: What helps me participate in friendship with less unnecessary friction and more mutual respect?