When something keeps being hard, instead of asking Why can't I just do this?, try asking: What is making this hard right now?
1. Regulation
What is happening with my brain and body right now?
- tired or low capacity
- overwhelmed
- distracted
- emotionally flooded
- sensory overload
- trouble starting or switching
2. The Practical Setup
Is the way I am trying to do this making it harder?
- too many steps
- too much to remember
- unclear instructions
- bad timing
- too many decisions
- distracting environment
3. The Emotional Load
What feelings come up around this?
- shame
- anxiety
- frustration
- fear of failing
- discouragement
- self-doubt
1. Regulation
Ask yourself: What is happening with my brain and body right now?
Sometimes you know what to do, but you do not have enough capacity to do it easily.
You may be tired, overwhelmed, distracted, emotionally flooded, under-stimulated, overloaded by noise or other sensory input, or having trouble getting started or switching tasks.
That is different from not trying.
2. The Practical Setup
Ask yourself: Is the way I am trying to do this making it harder?
Maybe there are too many steps, you are trying to remember too much, the instructions are unclear, the timing is bad, there are too many decisions, the environment is distracting, or the task needs to be smaller.
Sometimes the answer is not to try harder. Sometimes the setup needs to change.
You might need:
- fewer steps
- a reminder or visual cue
- written instructions
- body doubling
- a different time of day
- fewer decisions
- help getting started
- a smaller version of the task
3. The Emotional Load
Ask yourself: What feelings come up around this?
You may feel ashamed, anxious, frustrated, afraid of failing, afraid of disappointing someone, discouraged, or unsure of yourself.
A task can become harder after you have struggled with it many times.
You may not only be dealing with the task. You may also be dealing with everything you have come to believe about yourself because the task has been hard.
Try This Question
If someone watched me doing this, what would they actually see?
Instead of I'm bad at mornings, you may notice:
- I wake up tired.
- I check my phone.
- I lose track of time.
- I cannot decide what to wear.
- I start looking for something.
- I remember another task.
- Then I realize I am late.
Now you have something specific to work with.
When a Strategy Isn't Working
Ask yourself:
- Is this a regulation problem?
- Is something about the practical setup not working?
- Is there a lot of emotion attached to this?
- Or is it a combination?
Once you know where the difficulty is, it becomes easier to choose support that fits the problem.
Kristen McClure, MSW, LCSW · Flourishing Women LLC